Submit!

Just a place to post some stuff. It's mostly OUAT and SwanFire related with the occational off-topic rant. (Don't give me shit about the anon ask. I know there are plenty of nice anons out there, but there are also many who are just haters. If you don't want to be traced back to your blog, why should I listen to you?)

 

n3v3r-mnd asked
your parody made me think - did we have necrophilia? is that because of daniel and Neal or did you have another scene in mind? It's the only thing missing - that and pedophilia. ugh this show. truly disturbinag and disgusting. Would Hook qualify? at 300+? Ugh

Charming kissing Snow to wake her up from the sleeping curse, which is sweet, accept that he thought she was really dead and had been in the coffin for who knows how many days! I don’t think Regina ever made out with Daniel in his coffin, but she was party to that necromancy. Other parodies have made fun of Charming, Philip, etc. and how they are necrophiliacs. Thankfully no pedophilia next, but Leo hot on both mother and daughter is all kinds of creepy. I know that European monarchies like the Hapsbergs were really messed up like that, but that doesn’t make it right for a family show about fairy tales. Yes, the real world is full of perverts, but does Henry’s family have to be entirely made up of them? What kind of happy ending is that? Is he going to marry his 12 years younger aunt (or uncle!) one day? His descendants are going to be a bunch of chinless freaks if this show keeps with its current trend. It’s only a matter of time before actual blood relatives start screwing and reproducing!

Family Tree Update. I’m working on lovers and their families. Anyone remember if Dr. Whale/Victor’s dad had a name? Was his brother Gerherdt? 

To my count, there are five members of this combined family tree who have been engaged to, married, kissed, or had sex with more than one branch, either in the same generation or with a descendant-by-marriage.

The degrees of sexual fucked-up-ness on this show. Oye.

Which do you think is creepier? Cora-Leopold-Regina or Milah-Hook-Emma? On the one hand, Leopold knowingly got with the daughter of the woman he once loved and unknowing who murdered his wife who had been sadistically shamed by said wife out of greed and spite. On the other hand, Hook knowingly wants to get with the woman who unknowin to her birthed his lover’s grandson whom he handed over to his sadistic grandfather out of vengence and spite. It’s kind of a toss up of incesty-ness.

If you can’t decide on the Cora-Leopold-Regina or Milah-Hook-Emma issue, I offer up the latest creepy mult-generational genital stimulation: Dr. Whale delivering Snow White’s baby!

Parody - Deleted Scene from “Kansas”

(In the Delivery Room)

Dr. Whale: Mary Margaret, your vagina is a lot more dilated than when I was inserting my penis into it a year and a half ago! Oh, hey there, David, how’s it going?

David: Oh, you know, my step-mother-in-law’s half sis wants to kidnap and do evil things to this baby after you pull it out of my wife’s vagina that you totally got up in. But I’m cool with the whole adultery thing now, what with Storybrooke’s new One Step Program for accepting socially taboo sexual dalliances with recovering related villains. I mean, if I can bromance high-five a homicidal, misogynist, possibly syphilitic* pirate who’s last sexual partner was my grandson’s other grandmother, on his quest to shag my daughter five minutes after her last lover-slash-future-step-son died, I’m cool with your having stooped my baby momma. In fact, if it’s a girl, you can totally take her virtue when she turns eighteen! Or a boy, if you’re into that too, but never mention that again since same-sex sex is so much more disturbing than incest that we can only vaguely allude to it.

Dr. Whale: All right then. I’ll just tell you all about the drunken nun-turned-flying-monkey sex I had last night, because bestiality is the hottest craze since nimpho-necromancy. I just wish I had been around in your land when there were quasi-dead chicks to sexually assault. You are so lucky, bro!

David: I know. And I totally thought Snow was really dead when I decided to defile her.

Snow: I tried to defile Charming in spirit form, but it sadly didn’t work. If only Cora had shown up then and given me some tips. Oh well. I’m thinking, smoopie, I bet we can reform Zelena next season after some zany backfired time travel. I’m torn between Gold’s age-reversal spell that he never got to use on the father of our forever bastard grandson — which really should be a problem back in our world what with Cora and Zelena’s situation if you think about it, but I’m choosing not too — and giving our newest love child a step-aunt-sister and making Zelena our child’s co-godmother with Regina. I mean, I did kill their mother, so it seems only fair.

David: Well, I’ve been thinking, honeymuffin, since we can’t decide on ‘Eva’ after your cruel bitch mother or ‘Leo’ after your dim-witted father for this kid, we should go with either ‘James’ to honor my genocidal maniac brother or whatever my father’s name is.

Snow: And Ruth for a girl?

David: No. The worst thing she ever did was try to set me up with some peasant chick, but then she supported my right to choose my own vagina. Boooooring. How about ‘Georgina?’ My quasi-adopted dad was bad-ass. I totally let him get away with axe murder.

Dr. Whale: Which reminds me, I need to get back to the lab later to check on Guss. And pay no attention to my strolling through the cemetery and loitering around Neal’s grave with a shovel tonight.

Snow: Who?

Dr. Whale: Exactly.

(Hook walks in with a plate of Jell-O.)

Hook: This stuff is oddly hypnotic. Like Emma’s butt in those tight pants….

Dr. Whale: What do you want?

Hook: I have an uncanny ability to appear whenever a woman is on her back with her legs spread, mate!

Dr. Whale: Me too! Perv-Bromance!

(The two high-five and then the Jell-O suddenly is on Hook’s head and Emma walks in.)

Emma: Hahaha! It’s pranks time, bitches. I’m gonna totally master my magic powers that I suddenly don’t hate before Momgret hits the ten centimeter mark without even a training montage and kill the Wicked Bitch Harry Potter style.

Snow: So… some dues ex machina plot device rather than actual training or magical ability? Or Volde — I mean the Black Fairy’s wand?

Emma: Haven’t decided yet. Anyway, Regina told me to take an on-line sorcery course so she could shag Robin lots just in case she’s going to cease to exist soon — which is kind of ironic, cause she has no heart and the last guy she raped — I mean, had magically coerced relations with — that I totally wanted to get with even knowing he hadn’t even showered since Regina sex — had no heart! Hilarious, right? Like my awesome skills! Emma Punk!

(Hook’s hook is suddenly hanging from the IV pole.)

Hook: Damn it, Swan! You do realize that there is an evil witch trying to murder your entire family? Also, shouldn’t you be more upset that this man who were sweet on was murdered rather than poking fun at the chap’s coronary issues? If you truly cared for him—

Emma: Give it a rest already, Captain Emo! What do you think this is, Dawson’s Creek? I only wear this bootlace cause I spent all my cash on that swanky apartment in Manhattan and my closet full of eight inch heals and plaid pants so I don’t have the money to get my tat removed and flowers are way too girlie. Besides, my baby daddy kicked it like two days ago, and I was so over that a missing year ago when I wished him dead with my badass magic pranking skills. Best Emma Punked ever!

Hook: Maybe I should just kiss you, love. Magic seems to make you higher than Smee huffing rat poison.

David: Now… how many days old does this baby have to be before I can teach it how to drive?

(Henry walks by glued to a video game as Emma is levitating Hook’s hook out of reach. He pauses, scratches at the stubble on his jaw, and continues on without noticing.)

End Scene

*In my mind, Hook had neurosyphilis for 300 years and Dr. Whale gave him some meds with his Jell-O in that deleted scene, and though his STD has been cured, those brain-cells are permanently dead, leaving him forever acting like a horny teenage boy.

It just occured to me, was “Bleeding Through” supposed to be making a Cora/Emma parallel? Both got pregnant out of wedlock by criminals, both got set up to get arrested for jewel theft, both gave up their newborn, and the next time we see them, they’re in red dresses flirting with deadbeats. Does this make anyone else a bit uncomfortable? This whole graying of good and evil that Regina and Snow were talking about is all well and realistic in principle, but it ends up whitewashing all of the criminal acts and reducing every villain to a good person who got wronged into becoming a murderous sociopath and can easily be redeemed by lusting after some sexy stranger who for no reason is equally attracted and willing to forget their countless acts of murder, rape, torture, child abuse, etc.

Are we supposed to feel sorry for Cora that she got screwed by the class system (yes) and then forgive everything she did because of that (no!). Is it unfortunate that Zelena paid the price for that (yes) but does that condone her crimes or motives (no!). I don’t want a villain with a sob story and I don’t want a couple to fall into bed together because of some riddiculously unfounded emphatuation. The only remotely authetnic romances on this show are either boring (Snowing) or ignored (Rumbelle) while the writers shove CS and OQ at the audience like we are supposed to think these are healthy represantions of love despite zero exposition for why the couples would even go out for coffee let alone swap bodily fluids after knowing each other for a matter of only weeks or days. It just makes no sense.

Where the OUAT writers got their inspiration

"Bleeding Through": The Nightmare (of Watching This Episode) Cometh

Just what I wanted for Easter and Passover: a OUAT storyline all about some shitty quasi-resurrection and baby sacrifices. Seriously, though, this episode seems like a bad AHS knockoff with three out-of-left-field attempts at relationship development. This is what I learned:

1) Belle & Regina: Instant character/ship development! The enemy of my enemy is my witch-fighting homegirl. (Some credit to Belle for being the ONLY good guy to call out Hook and Regina on their crimes).

2) The best way to get over a death in the family is to try talking to another dead relative and magical hijinx. (Seriously, magic must be like a drug if it’s so bad, as whomever is doing it gets their rocks off and is all shits and giggles. At least Rumple still gives a fuck about Neal.)

3) If only we could get Regina and her hands in the same room for an evil tea party, we could talk to Graham!

4) The dead de-age well, I guess when the older actor is unavailable or the budget for additional guest stars is used up on the CGI.

5) When you used up your budge on a flying monkey, magic hearts, arrows, a portal, missing doors, ghosties, and a tornado, you have to write conversations between characters. Only problem is, they basically come out of nowhere on account of the complete lack of previous interaction. (Seriously, as far as these two chicks remember, a couple of weeks ago, they were going UFC on each other, so it basically took a two minute spirit possession about something that had nothing to do with either of them to end decades of hatred and murder attempts. Sure, I’ll buy that. And I’ve got a troll bridge I’d like to sell you.)

6) Chances are Snow’s not gonna name little baby Replacementina after her mommy. Eva was one stone cold bitch.

7) Snow & Regina: Instant character/ship development! All it takes is the “Ghost” trope, minus the sexy pottery. Darn, if they’d thrown that in, we could have… (Seriously, though if a murderous ghost, confined to the premises is trying to kill you, Snow, you waddle your preggo ass out the front door!)

8) Upped the quasi-incest meter even more. Not only has Rumple gotten some hot mother/daughter action (he must be challenging Hook for creepiest inter-generational liplocking) but that skeezy fucker Leopold has added another crossover to this sordid family tree. Guess that rules out “Baby Leo” as well. Probably, Snow should stay away from namesaking anyone in her family or circle of friends. For all we know, Lancelot banged and murdered her aunt who was Eva’s twin sister who is actually the White Witch of Narnia.

9) While casting a piddly old world-destroying curse requires 300 years and a multitude of ingredients to town-size portal-ize a scrap of paper (recasting, apparently, requires only a heart and the spare change in your pocket) , casting something as immensely complicated that has never been successfully accomplished as a time spell requires only 1 year and 4 ingredients: some random dude’s courage, the heart of a mass murderer, the brains of a clever individual, and a magic baby. Okay… so… why didn’t Zelena come to the Enchanted Forest 29 years ago, steal Charming’s courage, get Regina’s heart, steal Rumple’s dagger, and murder Emma for the ritual and save herself all that time, and the trip to the Land Without Magic? I mean, after accusing Regina of resting on her boring laurels and not acting… isn’t that seriously hypocritical? (Oh, wait, it’s because the writers never bothered to work out a cohesive future storyline during Season 1 and have been weekly pulling it out of their asses ever since breaking the curse.)

10) When a magical green tornado appears out of thin air seconds after you’ve dropped your baby in the woods — you choose not to notice that. (Do you know how fast tornadoes move? Is Cora the fucking Roadrunner to have escaped that shit?)

11) Robin & Regina: Instant character/ship development! Whatever went down in that year must be “bleeding through” as well, or Robin is just one big manwhore in Hook’s needs-to-get-laid club.

12) Whatever happened to the canon of “The Heart is the Lonely Hunter” and “The Miller’s Daughter” that being sans heart makes one unable to feel? And in the same episode about heartless Cora? REALLY? Poor Graham, I guess his life and death is even more meaningless now. If only he and Neal could haunt all of their sorry asses.

13) Given her nonsensical motives, Zelena is nothing but another-evil-family-member plot device to speed along forced romances and character “development” that would otherwise NEVER happen in the several week timeframe this season will amount to (curse year aside), and make happen the time travel trope that every fantasy show HAS to use.

If only Zelena could time warp us back to the end of Season 1 and make Season 2-3 NEVER happen.

* Kudos to The Good Wife for a shout-out to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia! I’ll pay that troll toll! Now that I think about it, Charlie’s fairy tale musical “The Nightman Cometh” was about as well written as OUAT! Nonsensical plots, instant character development, and creepy sexual acts!

i-sudoku:

acs-opinions:

I know this was asked a while back but I thought I’d add on to the “OUaT bad writing” examples.

1) The premise of the show is that the Dark One took nearly 300 years and countless manipulations in order to travel realms.  Since Emma broke the memory curse this has now been “accomplished” TEN times in the course of roughly two seasons. Examples:

  • Emma/MM going to the EF
  • Emma/MM getting back to SB
  • Cora/Hook getting to SB
  • Neal going to the EF
  • Tamara/Greg/Henry going to NL
  • Emma and the gang going to NL
  • Neal going from EF to NL
  • Everyone getting back from NL
  • Everyone save Emma going back to the EF
  • Everyone coming back to SB from the EF

Now they may all be going back in the past to the EF? Was the Dark One just twidling his thumbs or something in the years he should have been doing something?

2) Regina got the idea to seperate Henry from everyone and make him love her THREE times in S2. (when Emma/MM went through the portal, when Cora came back, just before she was taken by Greg/Tamara). Three times in the course of the series would have been excessive, but one season is overkill.  Especially when you take into account the loose time-passing of the show.  If S2 took place over the course of a month, Regina got that idea practically once a week.

3) Another thing about realm travelling-Jack and the giants.  They had viable beans. Why should I believe the Dark One didn’t just pop up there, grab some beans, and go about his business of getting his son back? Why should I believe he had to enact this whole curse that had Maleficent shocked, when he could have just had his answer with a simple materialization?

4) Dropped storylines-even not taking into account the secondary characters, there are several dropped storylines on the show. Snow’s dark heart? It was featured for one episode, maybe two, and then never spoken of again.They’ve manipulated the characters emotions to fit with what they want to do.  This week-we want Regina to be horrible, so we’ll have Henry hate her. Oh, this week, we want everyone to feel sorry for Regina, so we’ll make Henry her great defender. Emma not being the least bit suspicious when a supposed dead Archie shows up at her door? Yes Pongo was reacting positively to Archie but why wouldn’t Emma be the least bit suspicious?  Especially knowing there’s dark magic involved.  Why did she not ask him something about the mine? They’ve also done the emotional flip flop with Snow.  Oh we want drama with Snowing-let’s have MM not want to go back to the EF.  Oh, this week we need to convince Emma-okay MM totally wants to go back.  Yeah, we’ve been highlighting how sad MM was to not be a part of Emma’s life, so let’s just have her decide to abandon her to be with David in NL, without the slightest conversation about that topic between them. Wrt secondary characters, I get not all actors are available for an appearance, but it does not in any way proculde them from being mentioned.  Would it be so hard to have this;

                Henry: I’m going to play with Grace at the park!

                Emma: Well don’t drink anything her father offers you!

What about the Lost Boys from NL? The one’s Emma promised homes and parents to (you know, when the writers had her usurp Wendy’s role)? When Regina reversed the curse, what happened to them?  We haven’t heard a word of it.

5) Neal’s death-I know this is a hot topic in the fandom, but whether you love or hate Neal, his death was handled miserably.  If A&E did get the idea to kill him off b/t S2 and S3, then they should have just let him die after deliviering a message to Aurora and Co. Rather than bringing him back and killing him HALF A SEASON later. The impact of the death is minimized and the GA is just going to be confused as to why they didn’t just do it ten episodes or whatever ago. Hook could have taken over his role in NL (which he really should have, tbh). 

6) Too much action, not enough dialogue-to the best of my knowledge, even JMo and Ginny have stated this. The characters have no time to process anything, because it’s just going from one “adventure” to the next, We get minimal indication of how things affect various characters because they rarely just talk. When we do get an emotional reaction, it seems out of the blue.  Good writing should not make one go “holy shit, they are actually acknowleding their past! Holy hot damn!”

7) Major conversations happening off screen. One example is Emma finding out Neal had intended for her to have the $20,000 and the car. We saw the after effects of it, but not the actual conversation about it.  Whatever you ship, this would be a MAJOR thing for Emma. There is no actual reason we should not have seen this on screen. In addition, a lot of characters acting OOC. Regina escapes from the damn tree in NL, because she had no regrets because her actions got her, her son. Fair enough, but now, she’s not even debating with Emma about Henry getting his memories back? That is the epitome of lazy writing.

8) Overuse of magic-there’s a problem? Just wave your hand. Disguise yourself as somebody else (a la Cora). Oh we need to get some memories back to have a semi-emotinal thing? Have the BF pull a magic potion out of her rear at the last second (rather than the extended time before when the special ingredient-something of reverted August’s was available for a while.) Oh yeah, we’ve said the BF is supposed to be more powerful than Rumple…but only when it is convenient for us.Good writing does not establish things, then just ignores them, because it fits whatever plot arc is wanting to be persued. Good writing adheres to the established boundries, If they want the BF to be shady, they should have had a scene with her, denying being able to make the potion, only to show her doing it right after. This is just one example of a convenient retcon for the purpose of a desired storyline. Again, bad writing. 

9) Villians cannot just be villians. Yes, there is something to be said about shades of gray.  But the excessive “why couldn’t x just love me and have a happily ever after with me” just gets tedious. Show me a villian who just doesn’t care. Show me a villian who doesn’t have a sob story. People have loved villians since the start of storytelling. People love Tony Soprono, Hannibal Lecter, Nucky Thompson, Tywin Lannister, Loki, Darth Vader, Moriarty and many others. Liking a villian does not make one a bad person. Good storytelling makes one feel slightly bad about rooting for the bad guy, but it doesn’t make one defend the villian to the death. Understanding motivation and condoning it are two very different things, and good storytelling makes the distinction clear.

10) Convuluted family tree-this is not supposed to be a soap opera. And don’t even get me started on the whole “haven’t you heard of European royalty” ( I live in an European country that has a queen so yes, I’ve heard of it). The EF might be small, but there’s no reason for someone with a grudge to be a blood relation (or seriously connected to one with a blood relation). With good writing, you can wrap someone into the fold without having to have a fall back. But that is exactly what they’ve done almost every time. They don’t care to create a motivation outside of “I was wronged by x who happens to be powerful/royalty”. Once again, lazy writing.

These are the most prevelent examples I can think of.  Very sorry for the length. It’s the things I’ve had on my mind but fear putting them on my blog for fear of anon hate. So thanks for giving me the place to state this. Especially if you’ve read to this point, lol.

From now on, I’ll ask new viewer to stay away from OUAT for their own good.

Things I’ve Learned About Sex, Love, and Writing from OUAT:

i-sudoku:

anti-captain-swan:

  • Frequent allusions to rape are hysterical, sexy, and entirely necessary for intriguing storytelling. 
  • ’Boy toy’ is a perfectly acceptable term when referring to male sexual assault victims (see above for why). 
  • It’s not possible for a woman to have zero interest in a super hot guy. Any resistance shown is just her ‘making you work hard for her attention’.
  • If you want someone, no matter what the reason, it’s automatically love. Even if you know virtually nothing about the other individual and are only interested in them for shallow motivations like their looks/power/status/a shared hard-on for revenge/etc., it still qualifies as ‘love’ regardless. Because standards for defining something that important shouldn’t exist. 
  • Wearing short dresses and spending your time in bars is synonymous with being a callous slut who will bail on your dates and cheer when witnessing innocent strangers being beaten up with a cane!
  • If destiny dictates that you end up with a certain person but you choose not to pursue them regardless, both your life and theirs should be considered irrevocably ‘ruined’. Even if your supposed soul mate ended up with an adoring wife and child anyway. 
  • True love for secondary characters means dropping everything they were or cared about previously so that their entire lives can revolve around their designated ‘core-six’ soul mate.
  • Bestiality can be a prominently featured storyline when setting up a seasonal arc, but same-sex love between two human women can only be vaguely hinted at for less than two minutes in the entire program’s run. Because, you know, ‘family show’. 
  • No matter how horribly you’ve treated innocents or used your power to leverage control over others, as long as you have a super-sad backstory, you can’t possibly really be a difficult man to love. Indeed, the fact that you ever emphatically believed that will eventually be retconned entirely and it will end up turning out that all the women really want you. 
  • If you happen to fall on the far right side of the morality scale, you can’t be shown having intimate moments with your significant other unless you’re properly married first. Because, as we all well know, sex is automatically ‘dirty’ and ‘vulgar’ if you ain’t got a ring on it. So sorry Belle, unless you’ve undergone a thorough memory wipe first, the only indication we’re going to get that you’re a sexual being is a brief shot of you leaving Gold’s bed in a nighty and some blink-and-you’ll-miss-it thigh touching. 
  • Not to worry though! Because in order to ensure your boyfriend can fulfill his Mr. Fanservice obligations anyway, we’re going to retcon the ever-loving shit out of him and do all manner of storytelling jumping jacks to shoehorn in various sexual scenarios with other villains. Who also happen to be mother and daughter! Which brings us to point 9: 
  • Multiple incestuous storylines on a Disney channel is totes sexxxxxxy!!!! Especially if they’re also heavily laced with sociopathic levels of infatuation, stalking and out-right sexual assault: that just means it’s LOVE!  
  • Your long-term worth as a character is entirely dependent on how many super-vocal, die-hard shippers you attract to the show. If you are not part of your designated SO’s largest heterosexual ship, then sorry my dear, you’re expendable and will in fact be killed off several times over before broomed from the program entirely. 

It’s really sad especially the last one.

I am working on a revision of Henry’s family tree. Anyone remember if Zelena’s adoptive parents have names?

Anonymous asked
Lessons OUAT has taught me: redemption only works if you have a lot to redeem yourself of. So go out there and kill and torture innocent people and then fall in love with a good person so you'll be redeemed. On that note, your sex life will become instantly boring and/or taboo when your redemption kicks in, so make sure to get busy when you're still evil, either with fellow villains or, even better, unwilling victims! If you're a male villain on the rocky road to redemption,

i-sudoku:

anti-captain-swan:

but have never sexually assaulted anyone/made creepy rape jokes and are in a consensual monogamous relationship, you may think you are safe from being a victim of sexual assault. Unfortunately, not only is this not true, but an outside observer might doubt you’ve ever had sex with your consenting S.O., and think you’ve had more sexual interaction with a woman who controls you against your will than with your true love. If you’re emotionally stunted from pursuing a 300+ year revenge quest, 3/4 never fear! Simply follow your new object of obsession, watch her when she’s with other people, undermine the confidence of her other love interest and fake an old friendship with him once he’s safely dead, help fix the problems you caused in the first place, and don’t take no for an answer until she takes pity on you and stops “making you work so hard for her attention.” If you’re a good person who made one mistake, I have some bad news: you’re going to die, and even though death had a revolving door installed for this show, you’re going to be gone, and forgotten, for good after one episode. Your son will think you were a deadbeat and hang out with the guy your mom ran off with who later sold you to your crazy relative because you didn’t want to play happy families with him, and your old girlfriend who you wanted to marry is going to marry him instead, without ever mentioning you again. Your father will miss you when it furthers his manpain, though. Congratulations.

 And that’s what you missed on Once Upon a Time

So true and depressing. Poor Neal.

"The Jolly Roger": Battle of Two Jack Sparrow Impersonators
So, let me get this straight…
Captain Hook trades a man’s life for a ship to prove a point that he’s still a villain and we’re supposed to forgive him because he feels REALLY REALLY sorry about it? The OUAT writers staff are trying to whitewash this motherfucker faster than a corrupt politician’s PR team. And they’re shipping Captain Swan like they’re a bunch of teenage virgin Twilight fans who masturbate to pictures of Hook on their iPads while coming up with story ideas.
Emma Swan, remember the chick who spent 13 years being super pissed and obsessed with the past and secrets and lies (she kinda made whole speeches about it) that kept her from making amends with Neal? Well, for some crazy reason, he’s not even cold in the ground (seriously it’s been 36 fucking hours since the funeral!) and because Regina gave a pithy remark about Hook’s yearning and she had another magic-gasm, Emma’s all like, “Dude, who cares about you totally lying and keeping secrets about the past year when a wicked witch who wants to kill us all and steal my mom’s baby and killed my baby daddy, and is holding his daddy as a slave was doing who knows what to achieve her goals that you might know about, and that whole all the times you totally tried to kill me and my friends stuff that I’ve conveniently forgotten this season — let’s be besties and eye sex!”
And while in VERY poor taste the David/Henry driving plotline was (never mind the Charmings can’t get any more boring and cliché), and Regina’s “let’s all hold hands and be a happy family!” persona is just grating on my nerves, I think hands down, Snow White has passed the “Scarecrow Brainless Bitch of the Week” award on to her daughter. Yes, Emma, you are a stupid bitch. Your character has been completely undermined and devalued, your journey turned into fodder just to make you the metaphorical vagina to Hook’s over-compensating-with-a-ship dick. They are turning you into a narrow-minded, power-horney, dimwit with lady boner for the lamest pirate to ever stride the seas. I give you Milah 2.0.
Oh, and there was some stupid over hyped, under screentimed (big surprise there!) shit with Blackbeard that turned the most fearsome pirate in history into a fucking tool who got his ass kicked in two minutes. Seriously, assholes, you can’t turn Blackbeard into a pantywaste for the sake of “family television” while making everything NOT AT ALL SUBTLY else about Hook wanting to get some sweet Emma Swan pussy. I mean, come on, the guy was straight up fucking badass who died getting his head chopped off and the “myth” has his body swimming around his ship after death, and THIS travesty is what they give us, all to make Hook look better? Bullshit, I say. If Blackbeard could be summoned in a real sayonce (sp?), he’d tell Adam and Eddy to go fuck themselves. If anyone bothered to summon Neal in a sayonce… but they won’t, because even though they are going to be talking to the dead, they’ve completely forgotten he ever existed and dollars to coconuts, he isn’t even mentioned AGAIN. I mean, why would he be if 24 hours after his funeral, Emma’s happily putting together a crib and her only concern is a wicked witch, not, you know, that her son’s father is dead or anything that has anything to do with real, genuine, interpersonal relationships and feelings.
All I can say is that Hook getting all the love while being a lying sack of shit better end in him not getting the happy ending he wants and Emma getting her brain back, or this show has just completely sold out to shipper fan-pandering and given up entirely on telling a coherent story. One thing’s for sure, a family show it is no longer
* Although, again not bad with the CGI. I guess they cut back on intelligent writers to fund the FX.**By contrast, an “Out of the Park” award for The Good Wife on their handling of tragically senseless death. Shocking, but they haven’t actually forgotten Will. He gets mentioned. His friends and ex-lover show actual emotions of grief and mourning without sacrificing plot. I mean, Alicia actually takes a sick day and has an emotional argument about love and loss instead of happily putting together a crib or taking lawyering lessons from Evil Queen Diane to save the firm! All this to mourn a character when the actor wanted out of his contract, so the writers very easily could have treated Will like shit for it. Instead, you actually believe the story demanded it, which once again makes me wonder what bullshit Adam and Eddy are selling, or if they just have that little respect for the fans, the actors, and their show. I mean, seriously, they treated Neal/Baelfire like shit the entire series, getting abused and so little screentime you could easily forget he existed and then “boldy” killed him off. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it is, in fact, an asshole.
Quote of the Week that applies to OUAT but comes from a better written show: “You’re a selfish bitch, but you’re all that we have.”
(I think Alicia’s now estranged hubby while fighting with his wife also hit it out of the park for a description of Emma of late.)

"The Jolly Roger": Battle of Two Jack Sparrow Impersonators

So, let me get this straight…

Captain Hook trades a man’s life for a ship to prove a point that he’s still a villain and we’re supposed to forgive him because he feels REALLY REALLY sorry about it? The OUAT writers staff are trying to whitewash this motherfucker faster than a corrupt politician’s PR team. And they’re shipping Captain Swan like they’re a bunch of teenage virgin Twilight fans who masturbate to pictures of Hook on their iPads while coming up with story ideas.

Emma Swan, remember the chick who spent 13 years being super pissed and obsessed with the past and secrets and lies (she kinda made whole speeches about it) that kept her from making amends with Neal? Well, for some crazy reason, he’s not even cold in the ground (seriously it’s been 36 fucking hours since the funeral!) and because Regina gave a pithy remark about Hook’s yearning and she had another magic-gasm, Emma’s all like, “Dude, who cares about you totally lying and keeping secrets about the past year when a wicked witch who wants to kill us all and steal my mom’s baby and killed my baby daddy, and is holding his daddy as a slave was doing who knows what to achieve her goals that you might know about, and that whole all the times you totally tried to kill me and my friends stuff that I’ve conveniently forgotten this season — let’s be besties and eye sex!”

And while in VERY poor taste the David/Henry driving plotline was (never mind the Charmings can’t get any more boring and cliché), and Regina’s “let’s all hold hands and be a happy family!” persona is just grating on my nerves, I think hands down, Snow White has passed the “Scarecrow Brainless Bitch of the Week” award on to her daughter. Yes, Emma, you are a stupid bitch. Your character has been completely undermined and devalued, your journey turned into fodder just to make you the metaphorical vagina to Hook’s over-compensating-with-a-ship dick. They are turning you into a narrow-minded, power-horney, dimwit with lady boner for the lamest pirate to ever stride the seas. I give you Milah 2.0.

Oh, and there was some stupid over hyped, under screentimed (big surprise there!) shit with Blackbeard that turned the most fearsome pirate in history into a fucking tool who got his ass kicked in two minutes. Seriously, assholes, you can’t turn Blackbeard into a pantywaste for the sake of “family television” while making everything NOT AT ALL SUBTLY else about Hook wanting to get some sweet Emma Swan pussy. I mean, come on, the guy was straight up fucking badass who died getting his head chopped off and the “myth” has his body swimming around his ship after death, and THIS travesty is what they give us, all to make Hook look better? Bullshit, I say. If Blackbeard could be summoned in a real sayonce (sp?), he’d tell Adam and Eddy to go fuck themselves. If anyone bothered to summon Neal in a sayonce… but they won’t, because even though they are going to be talking to the dead, they’ve completely forgotten he ever existed and dollars to coconuts, he isn’t even mentioned AGAIN. I mean, why would he be if 24 hours after his funeral, Emma’s happily putting together a crib and her only concern is a wicked witch, not, you know, that her son’s father is dead or anything that has anything to do with real, genuine, interpersonal relationships and feelings.

All I can say is that Hook getting all the love while being a lying sack of shit better end in him not getting the happy ending he wants and Emma getting her brain back, or this show has just completely sold out to shipper fan-pandering and given up entirely on telling a coherent story. One thing’s for sure, a family show it is no longer

* Although, again not bad with the CGI. I guess they cut back on intelligent writers to fund the FX.
**
By contrast, an “Out of the Park” award for The Good Wife on their handling of tragically senseless death. Shocking, but they haven’t actually forgotten Will. He gets mentioned. His friends and ex-lover show actual emotions of grief and mourning without sacrificing plot. I mean, Alicia actually takes a sick day and has an emotional argument about love and loss instead of happily putting together a crib or taking lawyering lessons from Evil Queen Diane to save the firm! All this to mourn a character when the actor wanted out of his contract, so the writers very easily could have treated Will like shit for it. Instead, you actually believe the story demanded it, which once again makes me wonder what bullshit Adam and Eddy are selling, or if they just have that little respect for the fans, the actors, and their show. I mean, seriously, they treated Neal/Baelfire like shit the entire series, getting abused and so little screentime you could easily forget he existed and then “boldy” killed him off. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it is, in fact, an asshole.

Quote of the Week that applies to OUAT but comes from a better written show: “You’re a selfish bitch, but you’re all that we have.”

(I think Alicia’s now estranged hubby while fighting with his wife also hit it out of the park for a description of Emma of late.)

It’s Not Easy Being Someone’s Gateway to Redemption—but it helps if you’re dead

nettlestonenell:

So, Hook’s redeemed.

Because Neal.

Because Hookfire-that-never-really-was is now the icing on the cake of that emergent ‘heroism’.

In “It’s Not Easy Being Green” who has the most to say about Neal? Who, for example, gets to say ‘Neal’ or ‘Bae’ or ‘Baelfire’ or ‘your father’ more than any other character? In the episode immediately after that character’s death?

Emma, you’ll say. It’s Emma. She held Neal as he died. Seemed upset in the moment.

No, wait. No, it’s Rumple. Bae was his boy. His precious boy. He cursed an unknown (to us) number of people just to find Bae again and tell him he was sorry, that he loved him. So it’s got to be Rumple. Absolutely Rumple.

But it’s not. All the variations of Neal’s name—they’re given to Hook, Neal’s victimizer, to say, to wax (inaccurately) nostalgic about, to speak in starts and stops and considered pauses. To stand with Neal’s (as ignorant of his father as he is of what Hook really did to him) son and show him stars and form a bond and — like, is that a bloody second chance for Hook? Should we applaud that since Emma gave Henry into his keeping that he didn’t, I don’t know — turn Henry immediately over to the WW to gain her good favor? He may have sold out the boy’s father but hey, this time he actually took a boy back to his mum!

(In some ways I’m starting to see Hook/Bae and Henry turning into Regina/Owen and Henry (and now Roland?) Can’t get things to turn out the way you want them to the first time? Totally betrayed and screwed up that first child, took a parent away from them? Try again with a shiny new kid!)

But, really, you give HOOK all the words (yes, I know Emma said about three words) about Neal in the episode immediately after he died. You have HOOK with Neal’s son, ‘guiding’ him, offering to ease him through learning that his father is dead.

You are really going to put Neal’s death into building and solidifying Hook’s transition from villain to hero? You gonna add the death of one of Hook’s *victims* to build him up on that journey?

Bold storytelling, my friends. Observe and learn.

- -

Here’s the thing: could a villain’s victim cause a change in them? Could that person be either the initial spark in a character reversal, or a final straw before their rehabilitation? Yes.

But this show never created anything present day between Neal and Hook. Two awkward micro-conversations (more really dialogue exchanges—two, maybe three lines).

Everything Hook muses on about Neal is about BAE. In the hospital he even ridiculously says that when he looks at a grown Neal he sees Bae. (By which he means he sees the boy prior to when he betrayed him.)

He’s fixated on Bae. But not on the “real” Bae. On some sort of ‘fairytale’ version of Bae and him having halcyon days together where they bonded and learned from each other, and as far as the show has shown us on film that cannot be backed up by what we’ve been shown on film.

So if Hook is fixated on the REALITY of what happened between him and Bae (which was that he betrayed a solitary, helpless boy to—what did Hook call Pan? It was pretty bad…) HE WOULD CONFESS HIS TRANGRESSION TO SOMEONE. He would tell what happened and his part in it and move from confession to contrition. Story-wise, that would make sense that Neal’s death might create that happening within him.

However, Hook speaks only of his time with Bae while wearing rose-colored blinders. Once upon a time, Hook and Bae were buds who traveled together and Hook was wise and knowing and taught Bae and took him under his wing, and THERE IS NO SUGGESTION EVEN THAT ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT HAPPENED. These speeches and shots are not even underscored with dramatic irony (that we know otherwise) or with any tension that what Hook is saying is not full disclosure.

So, how could Hook ACTUALLY mourn Neal? Neal was the truth. Neal was what Bae actually was then, and what Hook’s betrayal caused him to become.

Hook can only mourn this fictional version of Bae he (and the show, now) have created.
Perfect, won’t cause trouble to you Bae. Bae, who stayed with Hook on something like an indefinite camping trip. Bae, who was not the son of the Dark One. Bae, who never came at him with a sword, Bae who was not the perfect price for Hook’s continual freedom in Neverland.

Hook can’t share anything about _Neal_ unless they make him come to terms and confess what he really did there.

Which it pretty clearly seems like they’re never going to do.
In fact, dollars to donuts says that by the time everyone regains their memories (Henry included) the show will be so far away from Neal’s death, no mourning will occur there either.

Just when I thought they couldn’t top themselves with bad writing (they had to give Zelena more screentime)…
Not only did Neal get more posthumous love in the promo stills than the actual episode, but Outlaw Queen is becoming even more forced and contrived than Captain Swan (which is saying something), and the majority of the episode seemed aimed not at making viewers sympathize with Zelena, or love to hate Zelena, but cringe as she vacillated between toddler tantrums and delivering some of the most poorly written TV bad guy dialogue ever. I mean, it takes some BAD characterization for me to despise any character more than Hook, and he was still a very close runner up this episode with the age old “I’m here for you” (subtly putting the moves on with this sudden case of compassion) act, but I was sorely tempted to hit the MUTE button every time the Wicked Witch of Who Gives a Fuck was on screen. Rebecca is hitting out of the park, Adam and Eddy say? Um, no. She’s not. Her character is infuriatingly grating, like nails on a chalkboard, with dialogue so cheesy and delivered so over dramatically that she makes Pan seem sedate.
I feel cheated that the best Neal got was Hook’s apparent moment of introspection that he’s blowing his “I knew you dad” business out his ass while Regina’s character is becoming a tittering school girl. So where do we go from here? Well, naturally, there’s no grieving period for the dearly departed. I mean, what is this, The Good Wife? Instead, next week returns to demonstrate once again that Hook’s period of respectful mourning before hitting on the grieving Miss Swan is 24 hours. And if that’s not disgusting enough, Zelena is attempting to undo everything — and if the BtS photos of the finale hold true to her motives, then Neal’s sacrifice will be meaningless, Henry won’t exist, and everyone will be back to traipsing around the Enchanted Forest with the Wicked Witch in charge… but that’s going to be a hopeful note, apparently. And, I suppose, next season, after resetting everything back to Storybrooke (because they just can’t shake that place like a bad case of athlete’s foot), they’ll all forgive (e.g. forget)  Zelena for killing Neal and turning people into flying monkeys and she’ll help them defeat/redeem the next evil family member while Emma and “Killian” make tacos in the bed where he banged Neal’s mom, because nothing says “be happy with someone else” like “fuck my step-dad”.
On no level does this show have any self-respect left. If they want to keep pulling this campy, soap opera/comic book cookie-cutter villain, shallow relationship bullshit, Adam and Eddy need to stop pretending that this is a serious drama about families, love, and hope. Because it’s clearly not anymore. It’s about sex appeal, action scenes, and glorifying villains. And Season 3, right now, stinks of being a sad meta attempt to regain viewers with a story reset buried within a Season 1 plot reset that is going nowhere fast. It doesn’t take Rumplestiltskin to spot a desperate soul.
But at least the CGI didn’t completely suck this time, so there was that.
(If I were Kermit, I’d be crying foul of trademark infringement for crapping all over my tagline.)

Just when I thought they couldn’t top themselves with bad writing (they had to give Zelena more screentime)…

Not only did Neal get more posthumous love in the promo stills than the actual episode, but Outlaw Queen is becoming even more forced and contrived than Captain Swan (which is saying something), and the majority of the episode seemed aimed not at making viewers sympathize with Zelena, or love to hate Zelena, but cringe as she vacillated between toddler tantrums and delivering some of the most poorly written TV bad guy dialogue ever. I mean, it takes some BAD characterization for me to despise any character more than Hook, and he was still a very close runner up this episode with the age old “I’m here for you” (subtly putting the moves on with this sudden case of compassion) act, but I was sorely tempted to hit the MUTE button every time the Wicked Witch of Who Gives a Fuck was on screen. Rebecca is hitting out of the park, Adam and Eddy say? Um, no. She’s not. Her character is infuriatingly grating, like nails on a chalkboard, with dialogue so cheesy and delivered so over dramatically that she makes Pan seem sedate.

I feel cheated that the best Neal got was Hook’s apparent moment of introspection that he’s blowing his “I knew you dad” business out his ass while Regina’s character is becoming a tittering school girl. So where do we go from here? Well, naturally, there’s no grieving period for the dearly departed. I mean, what is this, The Good Wife? Instead, next week returns to demonstrate once again that Hook’s period of respectful mourning before hitting on the grieving Miss Swan is 24 hours. And if that’s not disgusting enough, Zelena is attempting to undo everything — and if the BtS photos of the finale hold true to her motives, then Neal’s sacrifice will be meaningless, Henry won’t exist, and everyone will be back to traipsing around the Enchanted Forest with the Wicked Witch in charge… but that’s going to be a hopeful note, apparently. And, I suppose, next season, after resetting everything back to Storybrooke (because they just can’t shake that place like a bad case of athlete’s foot), they’ll all forgive (e.g. forget)  Zelena for killing Neal and turning people into flying monkeys and she’ll help them defeat/redeem the next evil family member while Emma and “Killian” make tacos in the bed where he banged Neal’s mom, because nothing says “be happy with someone else” like “fuck my step-dad”.

On no level does this show have any self-respect left. If they want to keep pulling this campy, soap opera/comic book cookie-cutter villain, shallow relationship bullshit, Adam and Eddy need to stop pretending that this is a serious drama about families, love, and hope. Because it’s clearly not anymore. It’s about sex appeal, action scenes, and glorifying villains. And Season 3, right now, stinks of being a sad meta attempt to regain viewers with a story reset buried within a Season 1 plot reset that is going nowhere fast. It doesn’t take Rumplestiltskin to spot a desperate soul.

But at least the CGI didn’t completely suck this time, so there was that.

(If I were Kermit, I’d be crying foul of trademark infringement for crapping all over my tagline.)

I’m calling bullsht here.
So… Neal is DEAD dead but this Anastasia chick died AGAIN on Wonderland, but some well water was able to revive her because it wasn’t her time to move on? As TVLine said, “You’ve got to love those magic loopholes.” Actually, no, I don’t. Just more evidence that Adam and Eddy don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Also, I guess they ran out of ideas for OUAT and decided that if disgusting kisses between mind-control enemies was good enough for Wonderland, why not recycle? After all, it’s not like anyone was really watching the spin-off anyway.

I’m calling bullsht here.

So… Neal is DEAD dead but this Anastasia chick died AGAIN on Wonderland, but some well water was able to revive her because it wasn’t her time to move on? As TVLine said, “You’ve got to love those magic loopholes.” Actually, no, I don’t. Just more evidence that Adam and Eddy don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Also, I guess they ran out of ideas for OUAT and decided that if disgusting kisses between mind-control enemies was good enough for Wonderland, why not recycle? After all, it’s not like anyone was really watching the spin-off anyway.

Lightning Round 12: Once Upon a Time Bosses Answer Your Burning Questions

By killing Neal (Michael Raymond-James), have you robbed Emma of a happy ending?
Kitsis: 
Yes, and she will be miserable from here on out. No! We haven’t robbed anyone of anything. We’ve always said on this show that happy endings are something you have to work for. They don’t come overnight.

Thanks for taking THAT seriously! Come on, guys, why do they have to treat this like a joke?

3x16 - IT’S NOT EASY BEING GREEN - SNEAK PEEK 2 - VOSTFR

So, basically, Emma gets no time for Charming comfort mode and Neal gets screentime taken away even posthumously so that Zelena, once again dressed like an evil Mary Poppins for some reason (but then, this show will probably make Mary Poppins a villain next season as Zelena’s college roommate from Oz who happen to be Henry’s long lost third cousin twice removed), can deliver some of the worst villain dialogue on the show to Regina. Sounds about right.